For me Crazy is a loaded word. As a very young child I was told I was crazy by those in my family. The word was used with harsh emotion and denigration. I have carried the pain of that word with me for the rest of my life. Crazy was a word that once used, crippled me. I can now see that those who used it, were themselves crippled. Perhaps back then, we were all crazy. We were all “unable to think in a clear and sensible way.”
Last night Crazy figured predominantly in a dream. Upon awakening, it brought up fear and dread within me. Courageous soul that I am, I attended to it quickly within my journal.
Crazy is defined by Merriam Webster like this:
- mental illness
- unable to think in a clear and sensible way
- wild and uncontrolled
- full of cracks and flaws
- lack of reason
- distracted with desire or excitement
- infatuated absurdly
- passionately preoccupied
As I read through these definitions, I was able to clearly redefine the definitions and emotions I created around crazy as a young child. Reading these definitions helped me let go of my beliefs that I was innately flawed, innately bad.
I began to see Crazy in a new light. Within my dream, Crazy showed up both as people, but also as an undefined presence within the dream. Within my journal, as I turned my attention to this undefined presence of Crazy, I felt like Crazy was a guide. Crazy was showing me the way to Clarity.
In my healing process, I have worked with Crazy in many ways over many years. I recently wrote a love letter to Crazy, approaching it as a friend. Prior to that, it seems that Crazy was my shadow. It followed me around wherever I went and I could never quite shake off its influence. When I decided to embrace Crazy, my relationship with it and myself seems to have transformed.
I have always embraced the wisdom that the only way out is through. By embracing Crazy, something that was scary and hurtful transformed into a friend and guide.
My final words to you my friends, embrace Courage. Keep moving forward in your healing journey. You can heal. We all can heal.
I send you Love.
Day 118 of the #100dayproject